


How the Daleks finally won

by TooManyFandomstoCount



Category: Doctor Who, Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Jack finds love, Other, Silly, Sort-of, daleks win, hints of blackmail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 21:33:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9922988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooManyFandomstoCount/pseuds/TooManyFandomstoCount
Summary: A Dalek comes up with a brilliant plan for world domination and captures the Doctor. Meanwhile, Jack finds true love. Amy Pond, Clara Oswin Oswald, Gwen Cooper, and the year that never was are mentioned.The Daleks murder Mary Kay and branch out....





	

The Doctor glared down at the golden shackles binding his wrists.

“How the hell did one little unpowered Dalek get the money to capture me and keep me in a literal gilded cage,” he sputtered.

“I joined Ma-ry Kay. Then I killed them all and man-u-fac-tured my own cream. Ex-fo-li-ate! Ex-fo-li-ate!” it said with a hysterical toned robotic voice. Then it raised its egg-whisk death ray arm and the doctor flinched. But what came out of the arm was a sweet-smelling cream. He rubbed it on his face and saw a miraculous change. All 9,000 years’ worth of dead skin came off and he looked like a youngling again.

“It’s like I’ve been regenerated,” he said, mystified. Suddenly the telly turned on to a news program. A pretty blond woman started to report.

“Dalek exfoliating cream hits the market:

“It’s like I’ve been regenerated-” says the Doctor, time traveling savior of Earth. He isn’t the only one loving Dalek cream. Makeup counters all over are featuring this one-of-a-kind item. It comes in the adorable shape of a Dalek and pumps out of the death ray arm.

“We should make millions of these-full sized” says a major makeup retailer. Rumor has it that Dalek Co.’s new line is in an agreement with Sephora. Spokespeople were unavailable for comment.

However this new craze has its critics. British model Amy Pond, famously known as the girl who waited, had this to say about the popular cream.” The TV was muted.

“I have con-tac-ted my ar-my. They now have a dis-guise. We will ex-ter-mi-nate! And ex-fo-li-ate!”

“You’re going to fix their skin after killing them? That seems counterintuitive,” the doctor said.

 

Meanwhile in Cardiff.

“Someone got me a skincare gift!” Jack shouts happily. “It’s a year’s supply!” Gwen rolls her eyes at Jack’s eagerness. He opens the 4 foot box and reveals a Dalek.

Gwen runs away.

Jack glares. “I was promised exfoliating cream. Not a Dalek!”

The Dalek extends its arm of death.

“You will be ex-ter-mi-na-ted.” It shoots a laser at Jack and he dies. The Dalek then shoots some of the cream on Jack and he wakes up, rubbing it in. “This is amazing!” He shouts. He hugs the Dalek. “I think I love you. I’m gonna call you Dale.”

Then there is a whole romantic montage of Jack and Dale doing couple stuff like sitting at the beach under a sunset, running through a park on a crisp morning, and eating spaghetti together in a romantic restaurant. In every scenario Dale kills Jack and then creams him, then Jack comes back to life and kisses him.

 

“Okay, I stand corrected,” the doctor said. “I hope Jack is happy. He deserves to be happy.”

“They have got-ten mar-ried! I was the flo-wer boy!”

The Doctor smiled. “Great news. Now what about me?” he asked.

“I will keep you here in my home! You will en-ter-tain guests! You will do as I say or all hu-mans will be ex-ter-mi-na-ted!” the Dalek sounded excited.

“And that…” the doctor says to Clara. “Is how I ended up as a Dalek’s butler for 3 years.”

“That’s bull,” she says. “I never heard of Dalek Cream.”

The Doctor smiles infuriatingly, twinkle in his eyes. “Well wait ‘till you hear how I got out of that one,” he says. “Another one of those years that never were.”


End file.
